


Trust Me // 2Jae

by Eimi_nee



Category: GOT7
Genre: 2Jae, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 18:39:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12195465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eimi_nee/pseuds/Eimi_nee
Summary: you said you would help me with my scars, instead you opened a deeper one.





	1. Informations, Translations

Hi ! Welcome to this really old fanfic of mine. Like really old. I think it's been over two years now since i finished it.  
I'm not really proud of it, but i decided to post every of my fanfics here so here it is !

French translation is over on my wattpad french account named Akina_fr but I will maybe open a new account here for my french translations.   
Every french translations are written by me !

Have fun reading this piece of shit !


	2. Prologue

When he opened his eyes, all he could see was a grave. His dry cheeks suddenly went wet when he read the name on the grave.

No matter how cold he was, he didn't want to leave his side. Not when he suddenly left him.

He heard a voice calling his name, and felt a hand taking his. But all he could see was the stone in front of him.

How dared he ? How dared he leave him when he was all he needed ?

"- Mom ?

-Yes, sweetie ?"

It took a few minutes for Youngjae to say something, realizing how his mother's voice was shaking.

"- Why ?"

And he suddenly felt heavier. This word was everything he wanted to ask to him but couldn't now that he left. Youngjae felt his mother breaking down by his side.

After a few minutes she got up, feeling her son's need to be alone with his brother.

"- I'll be in the car. Take your time.

-Thanks mom."

She wanted to let her son alone, but in fact he wasn't.

When Youngjae got up, a long time after his mother, he felt someone's eyes on him. Turning his head, he only saw a dark figure due to the lack of light. Night fell minutes ago, but Youngjae wasn't bothered at all. He even felt better in the dark.

Because it was his heart's color after all.

The figure didn't move at all, and Youngjae started to freak out. He was alone with this man in a cemetery. His mom was away. He was scared.

The shadow suddenly moved and the young guy took a step back. He now could see a face - and he really didn't want to see him today.

Im Jaebum. The popular guy of his school.

Youngjae actually didn't want to talk to him. He knew that Jaebum had the power to turn Youngjae's life into hell.

But maybe he was already in hell.

"- Do I know you ?"

Jaebum knew Youngjae. But from where ? And why did he care ? Youngjae turned away, wanting to escape his gaze. Today wasn't the day.

"- I'm talking to you, Jaebum tried again.

\- School."

Youngjae's mind didn't want to talk to him, but apparently his heart wanted to.

"- Oh you go to my school ? Strange. I never saw you before.

\- So because you never saw me I don't exist ? laughed Youngjae, surprising the young guy in front of him.

\- Wait no that's not what I wanted to say...

\- Nevermind."

Youngjae only wanted to go away from him, from this place. From this pain. He suddenly started to walk away, trying to erase his urge to run faster. But Jaebum's voice cut him again.

"- Who ?"

Youngjae froze - how dared he ask a question like that ? Apparently he never heard about privacy.

"- Brother, he sighed.

-Older ?

-Yes.

-How ?"

Youngjae felt his tears coming back in his eyes and turned his head to Jaebum.

"- Who are you to ask me that ?"

Jaebum stood there in shock. He didn't know how to answer.

"- I'm sorry, said the older one. I only wanted to -

\- Leave me alone please."

Youngjae was being mean - he knew it. But he couldn't help it.

He turned away and started to run. His thoughts were going crazy. He, was going crazy.

 

It's only when he got in his mother's car that he thought about it. Jaebum was alone, in a cemetery. What was he doing there ? Who did he lose ?

Youngjae was suddenly curious - but he never pitied Jaebum. Because after all, it was Jaebum. The heartless and popular guy of his school. A little bit of suffer wouldn't hurt him a lot.

 

But Youngjae couldn't be more wrong.


	3. Chapter 1 - A Bird Can Only Fly If It Has Wings

Monday morning.

Youngjae let out a growl, and rolled over his bed, still in his blankets. He put out his arm to set the alarm off, and stayed in this position for almost five minutes before waking up totally. He then jumped in the shower and let his frustration flow away with the water. He suddenly heard his mother's voice outside the bathroom, calling him for breakfast. He quickly dressed in his usual clothes : black jeans, black shirt, black shoes. Colours literally disappeared of his life.

He quickly ate a little bit, even though he had lost appetite a long time ago. Checking the time, he went upstairs to take his bag and ran outside his house, not wanting to be late.

The day went as usual. He talked to nobody, and nobody went to talk to him. They never did. Not that he cared, though. His classes were boring, and he even slept a little bit in history class which was, for him, the worst one. The teacher only let out a sigh when he saw Youngjae's head lying on the table, but he was so used of it that he didn't care that much.

When the lunch bell rang, he didn't follow the other students to the cafeteria. He went where nobody ever went : the rooftop.

It was actually the only place Youngjae could be alone with his thoughts, and the only place Youngjae felt free. Home wasn't a place where he could be happy again. His house was full of memories, even though he just wanted to erase them all.

He quickly ran up the stairs and sat up on the only bench in the area. He still didn't know who brought this bench here, but he was glad someone did. After a few minutes, he stood up and walked to the fence over the place. From there, he could see the streets and everyone who walked in them. He could observe everything about them. The way they walk, what they were doing.

And somehow, Youngjae found them pitiful.

Taking out a cigarette and his lighter, he sighed loudly - knowing nobody could hear him.

He let out the smoke contained in his mouth, watching the dark clouds that were coming on them.

The cigarette was soon out of his mouth though, a hand taking it away from Youngjae.

"- Do you really want to die ?"

Sighing at the voice, he turned his head, already knowing who was by his side.

"- If it means that I won't suffer anymore, then yes."

It was Jaebum's turn to sigh at the younger's words. He felt the same urge years ago. This urge to destroy yourself because you think nothing could hurt more.

"- Listen, suddenly said Youngjae. Can't you act like you didn't meet me that day ?

\- No, answered Jaebum in a firm tone.

\- Why ? We don't even know each other. You have nothing to do with me.

\- Because I promised to myself that I would protect you. And if that means taking all your cigarettes away, then I will."

Youngjae looked into Jaebum's eyes for a long moment, and the older guy didn't look away, not even for a second.

"- Just forget me, begged Youngjae. I don't need you by my side."

Youngjae walked away from Jaebum for the second time since they met each other. But at this moment, they were both thinking of the same thing.

Youngjae's last words were a lie ; and they both knew it.


	4. Chapter 2 - A Tear is Made of Water and Feelings

Days went as usual after this little incident. Or at least, that's what Youngjae wanted to.

Jaebum started to think that their destiny was to run into each other. Whenever he was walking in the corridors, he ran into the younger one. Not that it bothered him, though. But Youngjae seemed annoyed whenever he saw his face.

And Jaebum could only understand him, after what happened.

Friday came, and Youngjae felt something wrong as soon as he woke up. He checked his phone only to see that he was late, really late. Grumbling silently, he dressed as quickly as he could and didn't bother to eat something. He only ran the whole way to school, and arrived exactly when the bell rang.

Jaebum was the first person he saw that day, and Youngjae could feel his mood getting better. Why ? He didn't know.

He quietly sat on his chair, and the lesson started - boring, as usual.

Break finally came and Youngjae let out a sigh, putting his head down to sleep a bit. But he soon heard voices, cheering on something he didn't have interest in. He only opened his eyes when he heard his name.

"- Youngjae oppa..."

Getting up slowly, he looked at the person in front of him. A girl, actually. He didn't even know her name.

"- Oppa ? Can I... talk to you ? asked the girl.

\- Go ahead. You already disturbed me, so at least make it useful."

His tone was cold, and the girl was apparently taken aback, but that didn't stopped her from her disturbance.

"- I actually wanted to tell you this in private... Only the two of us.

\- Say it here or never do, said Youngjae, who started to get annoyed.

\- Well okay... I just wanted you to know that I really like you... And... That's embarrassing, but can you please be my boyfriend ?

\- No."

He didn't even had to think about it.

"- I'll treat you well... I'll be nice, I promise ! begged the girl.

\- No means no."

Putting his head back on his table, he let out a sigh and closed his eyes. He only heard the girl's last words, and fell asleep.

"- You're cruel."

Cruel ? No, he didn't think he was. Hurt ? Broken ? Yes, that was it. He already loved too much someone he now lost, so why should he love someone again ? That was stupid.

Classes started again, but Youngjae didn't wake up until lunch. He, as usual, went on the rooftop to smoke a bit. It would be a lie to say that Youngjae didn't expect Jaebum to come. But the older one never showed up there since that day.

Youngjae was all alone with his thoughts, and they naturally went to his brother. He couldn't help but think about it all the time. He felt somehow guilty, and their last talk had been running in his head since his death.

*FLASHBACK*

"- Youngjae ?

\- Hello hyung ! Why are you calling me ?

\- Nothing really important. Are the parents home ?"

Youngjae received a late phone call from his brother that night, but he never asked him why.

"- They're not. You're coming back with us hyung ?

\- Is there any money you can send to me ?

\- Hyung ! I won't give you our money. Is your job not enough ?

\- Youngjae, you must give it to me. Or else I'll die."

Youngjae knew his brother had financial problems - but his parents didn't want to help him, and he didn't want them to be mad at him.

"- Don't say things like that hyung. You'll earn a lot of money soon."

The line went dead, but Youngjae wasn't worried. His brother never really liked talking.

And when, the next morning, Youngjae woke up to these news, he couldn't help but feel like everything was his fault.

*END OF FLASHBACK*

Youngjae's tears rolled on his cheeks for the first time this day. His brother committed suicide because of him, he was sure of that. He never told anyone that he was the last person who talked to his brother when he was alive, but the culpability was growing up every day, and he soon wouldn't be able to control it.

Luckily for him, the bell rang and he went to his locker to take his books. He again ran into Jaebum's worried eyes, but he quickly looked away and arrived at his locker. What he took then wasn't a book - but a little piece of paper.

"Black makes you look like a vampire. If you want to act emo, just do it at home. Don't break another's one heart because yours is. You're so pitiful."

Youngjae felt his eyes becoming wet, and ran in the toilets to let them flow. He soon heard a voice, his voice, and couldn't help but feeling reassured.

"-Youngjae, please open. It's me. Jaebum."

He opened the door and ran into Jaebum's arms, hitting him on the chest.

"- Why are they so cruel ? Why is life like this ? Why ? Why does it hurt like this ?"

He soon went tired of hitting Jaebum's chest and just broke down in Jaebum's arms, holding him as if he was the only thing he could hang on. Because he was, after all.

Jaebum never answered his questions, he wasn't able to do so. He didn't know the answers himself. He took the younger one in his arms and only murmured reassuring words to him. After a few moments, he felt Youngjae calming down. Youngjae soon stopped shaking and quickly walked away, his eyes still red and puffy.

They said nothing to each other this day. But Jaebum made sure to be beside the younger's side, even if he never asked. And Youngjae was glad to have someone, for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone ~ Here's chapter two ! A lot of things happened in it hehe and it's kinda longer than the previous one ^w^ I don't think this fanfic will be that long, but hey :D
> 
> Sorry again for all the grammar mistakes ^w^ Hope you enjoyed it ^^ ♥


	5. Chapter 3 - I Was Selfish, But Rely On Me

Youngjae and Jaebum were growing closer each day, but the other students never found out. They both took care of meeting each other when they were alone. Jaebum didn't want anyone to bully the younger one, and Youngjae only did this because... Well, he never really thought of it.

They both agreed on meeting each day at lunch, on the rooftop, and Jaebum always brought food to Youngjae. The younger one never ate it, but at least someone cared, and it was something that Youngjae will forever be grateful for.

But quickly, some students started to get suspicious when they saw Jaebum's shy smiles to Youngjae, and Youngjae answering with a quick and small sign.

And one day, they both couldn't take it anymore, and just started to chat during a break, in Youngjae's class.  
Everyone went silent when they saw Jaebum entering the classroom – why would he come in a junior class ?

He was the most popular student of the school, and Youngjae was nothing.

Jaebum's face lighted up when he saw his small friend, and quickly ran up to talk to him. Youngjae was surprised, but his shy smile showed how happy he was to see Jaebum. He wasn't used to have a friend, after all.

Youngjae's reaction only comforted Jaebum, because it was the first smile he ever gave to him. And saying that his heart didn't flutter this time would be a lie.

"- What are you doing here... Youngjae whispered.

\- I wanted to see you... I missed you too much."

Youngjae's cheeks were red, and Jaebum suddenly felt sorry for his friend. He obviously could tell that the younger one wasn't used to have someone caring for him.

After that day, rumors went crazy, and they both started to get weird looks. Youngjae could tell that Jaebum was feeling guilty, but he quickly reassured him. It wasn't his fault, after all. They both wanted to befriend each other, and nobody could stop them.

At home, Youngjae felt even more alone. His parents were always fighting, and he spent more and more time in his bedroom, trying to cover his parents' scream with some music. But one day, his parents fought over his brother's death, and he couldn't take it anymore.

Grabbing his phone, he pressed Jaebum's name in his contact list.

"- Hyung ?

\- Yes ?

\- Were you sleeping ?

\- No, don't worry, said Jaebum in an obvious sleepy tone.

\- My parents are fighting again...

\- Want to sleep with me ?

\- Can I ?"

Jaebum quickly gave his address to the younger one, and then waited.

It didn't take Youngjae a lot of time to ring his house's bell.

They didn't say anything until they both were in Jaebum's bed, but Youngjae couldn't take it anymore.

"- I'm sorry for running to you again. I should learn how to protect myself.

\- You never bother me, Youngjae.

\- Thank you hyung, said the younger one with tears in his eyes.

\- Eh, why are you crying ?"

Jaebum brushed his finger on Youngjae's cheek, erasing his tears.

" - It's just... I feel so empty. It's mean to say it now that you're here but... I still don't know why I'm even living. It hurts. So much... Hyung, how did you forget your parents' death ?

\- I didn't. I still think of them. Every day. But we have to move on. It's life. Sometimes... Yes, sometimes I find it hard to... live. To breathe. Knowing that one day I'll only disappear. Sometimes I ask myself why I'm still living. I sometimes lose my love for life. I sometimes forget that I have a reason to live. But that's okay. We all feel like that at one point of our life and we shouldn't feel ashamed of that. It's normal."

Youngjae locked his gaze into Jaebum's one, who was full of tears. He then realized how selfish he was, asking his hyung's help when he couldn't help himself first.

He then did something they both never had the guts to do before. He took the older one in his arms, trying to lighten up the weight he had on his shoulders.

But Youngjae didn't know what Jaebum had to go through everyday. Jaebum felt it, suddenly, and he didn't want to hide this to his new friend.

"- Youngjae ?

\- Yes hyung ?

-...

\- Hyung, you can tell me.

\- Nah, it's nothing. Go to sleep now, you must be tired."

Youngjae felt something wrong, but he never asked.  
Maybe, if he did, Jaebum would have overcome his fear of judgement. Jaebum was only scared that after knowing what happened the night his parents died, the younger one would leave him.

And that was something he really didn't want to happen.

This night, they both had a hard time to fall asleep. They didn't talk about Youngjae's parents' fight, and they didn't talk about Jaebum's obvious secret. They didn't talk at all, but they didn't need to. They were here for each other, and that was the only thing they needed.

They were two teenagers, who both had broken hearts and only wanted the world to take care of them. They were living in the dark, still waiting for the light to come... But they both promised to try.

They both promised to be strong for each other, and to live until they don't regret their choice of living when they both could have chosen death.


	6. Chapter 4 - Warmness Sometimes Can't Destroy The Ice In Your Heart

When Youngjae woke up the next morning, the bed was empty. Jaebum was gone, but Youngjae wasn't worried. Or at least, he didn't even realise that he still was in Jaebum's bed. He always needed a lot of time to wake up properly, and when he finally did, he started freaking out.

Where was he ? And why was he here ?

He suddenly heard a voice and tried to recognize it... but failed. He never heard this voice before, and the panic he already felt turned into terror when he thought of him sleeping with a stranger.  
Getting up, he slowly made his way to what he assumed was the kitchen, and peeked his head through the not-so-closed door. A man was standing by the table – who was full of food – and Youngjae recognized him as soon as he saw him.

Jaebum.

His heart suddenly beat faster at the sight of his friend. He was relieved, or at least that's what he convinced himself.

Jaebum quickly saw Youngjae, and smiled at him.

"-How are you ?"

Youngjae looked at him, suddenly feeling lost... and not really awake.

"- Why am I here ? he asked in a sleepy voice, making Jaebum laugh a little.

\- You don't remember ?"

Jaebum was nice enough to talk in a smooth voice to not disturb the younger one. He couldn't help but look at him in a lovingly way. The younger one was really adorable in the morning, rubbing his eyes and bubbling in a cute and low voice.

It was something to know each other at school, but it was something else to know each other's face after a full night of sleep, especially when we all tend to hide it.

Jaebum then gave Youngjae a lot of food – knowing he wouldn't be able to eat it. Jaebum was still trying though, because he knew that Youngjae's parents didn't care at all.  
Or maybe they did, but they were careless.

Youngjae blushed a little when Jaebum told him what happened. He only ate a bit of bread with some butter this morning, when he usually eats nothing for breakfast. He didn't want to hurt Jaebum when he cooked so much food for him.  
Luckily, Jaebum didn't say anything, and took Youngjae to his bedroom. It was Saturday, and they had all the time they wanted.

None of them actually said something about Youngjae going home, and the thought never really crossed their head.

They talked a bit before showering. Jaebum went first, leaving Youngjae alone in the cold bedroom.

"- I'll be right back. Don't fall asleep again, Jae !"

Youngjae let out a laugh, and suddenly, he was alone.

It was a strange sensation to be alone after all this time spent with Jaebum. He, who loved solitude, was suddenly... feeling empty. Jaebum's warmness wasn't here anymore, and his heart quickly started aching. He couldn't breathe properly and his whole body started sweating when he started thinking about everything he didn't want to think about.  
His brother.  
The phone call.

 

And Jaebum entered the room, seeing in friend laying on his bed, crying like the broken child he was.

Jaebum sighed at this sight, slowly making in way to the bed, leaving the towel behind him. He laid down next to his friend, and took him in his arms.

"- Youngjae...

\- Why did you leave me alone ?

\- I'm sorry. I'll never leave your side anymore."

They went silent, and Youngjae calmed down after a few minutes.

"- I'm sorry, hyung.

\- Don't be, Jae. Never be sorry for feeling something."

Youngjae quietly nodded, and stayed quiet for a moment. He was still in Jaebum's arms, but he slowly got up to escape his embrace.

"- Hyung ?

\- Yes ?

\- What if someday, you'll go ? What if you'll be gone and I'll still be here ? I don't want to be the one who stay.

\- Even if that day comes, let's not worry about it. If it has to happen, it'll happen. I don't want to say to you that it'll never happen, because who knows ? But really, let's just enjoy the present.

\- But... I don't want you to go.

\- I'm not planning on doing so. Plus, don't think it's the one who stay who suffer. The one who lives suffers too. I mean, he had to leave."

The younger one went quiet again, worrying his friend. Jaebum's thoughts kept on running in his mind, and he couldn't think properly.

He didn't think enough before asking Youngjae a question he never wanted to ask.

"- Youngjae ?

\- Yes hyung ?

\- Do you trust me ?

\- Of course I do hyung, replied Youngjae with a smile.

\- Okay."

And what sounded like a stupid question for one of them, could be the start of something for the other one – or maybe the end.

Jaebum took this day a decision he never wanted to take one day, but he didn't have the choice.

"I'm sorry, thought Jaebum. I'm sorry Youngjae."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo ~ I hope you guys liked this chapter ! Nothing really happened in this, but I had to write it this way to make the next chapter up !
> 
> I'm glad you all like this ♥
> 
> See you later ! ~


	7. Chapter 5 - The Fire In Your Eyes Is Silently Dying

Jaebum.

Youngjae hasn't seen him since the day he literally broke down in Jaebum's arms.  
He didn't go to school, ignored Youngjae's calls and texts.  
Youngjae was lost, and hurt. He didn't do anything wrong... Right ?

Youngjae was back at the "Before-Jaebum" days, when he was all alone, and all broken. Before Jaebum even tried to fix his ripped soul.  
But it was even worse, actually.

People at his school took advantage of his solitude and started mocking him. Especially girls, who were jealous of his relationship with Jaebum.

"- You're nothing."

And after some time, Youngjae started to believe them. Who was he to even think he deserves someone like Jaebum ?

His teachers could only see the top of his head, but he didn't care. Sleeping made him forget for a few minutes that he was all alone again.

He didn't understand Jaebum's sudden departure. He didn't understand why he didn't say anything to him, when all he needed was Jaebum.

Confusion suddenly took a big part of his life.

This week's big event was his birthday. He didn't feel like celebrating it, though, but his parents were apparently believing that it'll lighten up his mood, and show him his parents were still here for him.

He let his parents prepare everything – and for once, they didn't fight. It took them all the week to invite Youngjae's ex-friends, his family, and to prepare everything. It was his 18th birthday, and it had to be perfect.  
Or at least, an illusion of perfection.

17th of September arrived, D-Day as his parents called it. Luckily, it was Saturday, and he didn't have to spend the day in school.

Well, maybe it would have been better than his parents running all over the house for the party.

It didn't start until evening, and Youngjae already felt oppressed. He quickly grabbed his keys, promising to his parents that he'll be back in time.

He didn't know where to go, though. He just walked, and walked. Breathing flowers' scent in the park next to his house. Feeling the sun's warmness on his pale skin while walking in a desert street. Letting his vanilla ice cream melting on his tongue. Quietly touching the pages of an old book in a library.

He's never felt so alive before – but he was all alone, as always. He slowly sat in a park, and his hand reached his wet cheek.

He was crying.  
Why ? He didn't know. He was feeling alone. Empty. All he wanted was Jaebum to come back. But he knew he wouldn't. Who would stay by a broken child ?

And suddenly, a shadow.

The same shadow he saw this day in the cemetery.

This tall and thin shadow, offering a whole new world to the younger one.

Jaebum was here.

Youngjae jumped on his feet, and stared at Jaebum's face.

"- Hyung ?

-... Hey."

Jaebum's eyes were looking at everything but Youngjae's. A few minutes later, Youngjae walked away. He was shaking.

"- Youngjae ?"

Jaebum's tone almost made him run in his arms. His strong and protecting arms. But he didn't.

"- Youngjae !"

One more step. One more.

"- Youngjae ! Jaebum yelled. Why are you ignoring me ?!

\- I don't want your pity, hyung."

Jaebum stood there, frozen. He couldn't believe those words.

"- I never pitied you, Youngjae. I was worried. But you're not pitiful.

\- Then why did you go and came back uh ? Wasn't it because you were afraid of all the stupid things I could do ? Wasn't it because you didn't want to hang out with a depressed friend ? When in the beginning you only talked to me because you pitied me ?"

Jaebum's mouth was wide open, trying to say something. Youngjae was shaking and his tears were rolling on his cheeks.

Jaebum slowly made his way to the younger one, and reached him silently. Taking his face between his hands, his lips slowly approached and brushed the younger one's.

"- I never pitied you."

Jaebum calmly took Youngjae's hand in his, ignoring the tears that were slowly coming in his eyes.

A silence suddenly came between them, after the sudden kiss. They both liked it, though, and Youngjae said the first thing that crossed his mind. He couldn't explain why, but he strangely felt like Jaebum would quickly disappear.

« - H-Hyung... it's my birthday... »

Youngjae's tears were all over his cheeks. Jaebum sighed. He didn't want to say those words. Not now. Not to him.

"-I'm sorry Youngjae. Goodbye."

There were too much things they both wanted to say, but couldn't.

Jaebum turned away, not wanting Youngjae to see his tears. But the younger one wasn't ready to let go and took his cold hand.

"-Don't leave me alone..."

Youngjae rested his head on Jaebum's shoulder, and realized they were both shaking. The older one turned his head to Youngjae, giving him a reassuring but shaky smile. His eyes were looking at their hands, he didn't want to let go... but he had to. His fingers slipped between Youngjae's ones, and the blonde little guy just looked like a lost kid. He didn't want any of this to happen.

It was breaking Jaebum's heart to go, but he did. His shadow, his tall and thin shadow, that reassured Youngjae before, was only becoming smaller and smaller at each steps Jaebum took.

And when Youngjae opened his fist, he could recognize Jaebum's writing in the small letter he gave him.


	8. Chapter 6 - A Monster Living In My Heart

"-Hey, Hyung. It's been a long time since I came to see you. I'm sorry about that. Life has been pretty crazy these days. Well maybe crazy isn't the word... It was as always. But worse."

Youngjae was searching his words, fixing with his emotion-less eyes the grave in front of him.

"-I haven't seen Jaebum since that day. I don't know where he's been. I don't know why he left... I don't know why you left."

His tears, his cold and wet tears, were scrolling on his cheeks, but he didn't care. Biting his bottom lips, he finally could express all the things he wanted to say but couldn't.

"-I didn't know you were that selfish. Why did you think leaving us would be easier ? It made everything worse. Mom cries everyday. I think they'll divorce soon."

He was out of his breathe. He just wanted someone to hold him - but he was alone.  
As always.

"- You told me. You fucking told me and I didn't believe you. I can't even imagine how you felt. Did you felt alone ? You were, after all. Did you feel as empty as I feel right now ?"

He couldn't move, only his shaking voice was breaking the silence he was in.

"- It was my fault. Only my fault."

Youngjae laid down beside his brother, and fell asleep. He was tired, so tired.

The following days, Youngjae spent his time either at school or at the cemetery. He didn't say anything to his brother again - but he somehow felt relieved. He knew his brother couldn't hear him, but he managed to say those words... Now, he had to tell his parents.

It took him a few weeks to gather the courage to tell them. It was sunday, he had school the next day, so he could escape their accusing looks.  
It didn't go as he expected, though. He expected screams, tears.  
Well, they all cried. But his mother took him in her arms, telling him she was proud he told them, that it wasn't his fault.

And Youngjae wanted to believe her, of course. But he couldn't.  
Everything was his fault.

When he came back in his bedroom, he stared at the letter on his desk. Jaebum's letter. The letter was begging him to open it, but somehow, Youngjae didn't want to know.  
But this day, he was suddenly curious. Taking the letter in his thin fingers, he opened it slowly, and his mind was going crazy.

"Hey, Youngjae.  
I think it's time for me to tell you everything about me. About the monster living in me.  
You already know about my parents' death but you don't know what happened back then right ?

I don't know where to start. This night I... we were in the car. It was raining. Pretty dangerous. The road was slippy. My mom told me to stop playing around and to stop talking to my father who was driving but I didn't listen to her.

If only I did. My father turned his head to me because I wanted to show him something. He only turned his attention off the road for a few seconds. But already, they weren't there anymore.  
If only I listened to her. It's all my fault now.  
I feel so bad.

My aunt is pretty generous though. But her boyfriend isn't really nice. He always beats me up for nothing. I don't know why.  
That's why I always tried to hide my bruises for you.  
The day you found one, I told you I fell. That wasn't true.

He found out about us. About you and I. He doesn't know who you are for the moment and I don't want him to find out, or he'll hurt you.  
That's why I left.

Forgive me, I beg you. I only want to protect you. But how could I ? You'll be so much better without me.

The world will be so much better, when I'll leave.

Goodbye, Youngjae. I loved you. And even when I won't be there anymore, I'll love you."

His eyes went wet as he read the letter. He jumped out his bedroom, took his keys, and ran out the house.

He knew where Jaebum was, and he had to see him.  
In the bus, he read the letter again. He didn't want to believe those words. Jaebum was strong. He couldn't have written this. But a part of Youngjae believed it. He knew it the moment he saw Jaebum's sad expression when they were talking about his parents.

How could he help Youngjae when he couldn't save himself ?

He arrived at the place he was looking for.

The hospital.  
He knew the room - instinct maybe.  
He found it.

But the moment his hand reached the door's handle, he knew he couldn't open it. If Jaebum wanted to disappear, enough to try it, Youngjae couldn't help him.

The letter was still in his left fist, all crumpled. He ripped off a piece of paper, took the pen in his pocket, wrote something and left it on the chair beside the door. His hand slipped on the handle, and he quietly left the hospital, tears on his cheeks.

He knew he would never see Jaebum anymore.

A few hours later, when Jaebum's aunt came back, she found the little paper on the chair, and gave it to Jaebum. And somehow, Jaebum was relieved to know Youngjae didn't enter the room. But his words came into his heart as painfully as knives would have been.

"You're a monster. Not because of what you did to your parents, but because you left me with nothing but a broken heart."

Jaebum was smiling, because he knew it was the truth.  
He just needed someone to tell him it wasn't his fault. And suddenly, he felt lighter.

When Jaebum left the hospital some days after, he found his letter in the bin Youngjae left it in.  
He smiled at how innocent he was back then. Before his attempt. His failed attempt.

He could see some spots where his tears fell, the night he wrote this. When he got off the hospital, Jaebum was crying.

He maybe didn't want to disappear now, but he knew he had to leave Youngjae forever, to protect him.  
He knew Youngjae wouldn't find the courage to forgive him. And somehow, Jaebum himself couldn't forgive him for hurting the younger one.

They both knew it was the end of their story - right now, at this moment. The moment Jaebum took the blades in his hand, the moment he felt himself going.

The moment he told Youngjae he loved him, the moment he kissed him.  
He knew it was over, when he met him in the cemetery.

Their story was impossible. Two broken souls couldn't make a complete one together. They both had too many scars, they both lost their trust in the world.

They were young.

Youngjae was the one nobody talked to. Always wearing black and never acting nice or interested. Some were calling him associable and sadist. But there was someone who never judged him.

Jaebum was the popular kid, acknowledged by everybody (including teachers), loved by everyone, even guys. He was handsome, nice, funny, and intelligent. But there was one secret, only one, that nobody, except him, knew about.

Their road met at some point of their life, but they had to go in different directions to save themselves.

You can say life was pretty cruel with them, but maybe - maybe- they would find happiness after some times.  
But, and that was sure... not together.


	9. Epilogue

One year had passed.

Everything had calmed down, but they both didn't forget what happened. These memories followed them like a shadow follows his owner.

"- Youngjae !" shouted someone across the place.

The young boy turned around, a smile on his lips as he saw one of his numerous friends running towards him.

After Jaebum left for another school, everything went well and Youngjae felt better days after days. He learnt how to live in the present, in the future, instead of the past.

He sometimes still cried himself to sleep, thinking about his brother, about his now lost love, but he was okay. Or at least that's what he made everyone believe.

"- Yes, Jin' ? he asked, still smiling.

\- I know you asked us to not mention his name but, Jaebum's aunt is at the hospital. She fell in the stairs. Pretty bad actually, she has a big-"

Jinyoung didn't have time to finish his sentence, as Youngjae took his bag and started running towards the hospital where he left Jaebum forever, one year ago.

Or at least that's what he thought.

His mind was running as fast as his legs, trying to think about what he would say to the older boy.

But when he reached the hospital, his mind got blank and nothing could escape his lips.

As he tried to enter in the building, he bumped into someone. And somehow, his scent was familiar to Youngjae. Looking up, he met these dark eyes he would have killed for.

Jaebum.

The older one was obviously surprised to see Youngjae, but after a few seconds of silence, he took him in his arms.  
They were together, finally.

"- Why did you go ? Youngjae asked, tears scrolling down his cheeks.

\- I... I thought you knew me better. I thought you knew I would never let you go until you get tired of me. And apparently you did.

\- I never got tired of you. I thought you betrayed me. You said you would help me with my scars, but you opened a deeper one."

Jaebum looked at the younger one for the first time since they ran into each other. He realized how he matured when he wasn't there. Youngjae looked so much older, but also relieved, peaceful.

Even with tears in his eyes, he was beautiful.

"- You left when I needed you the most. But I would have been selfish to ask you to stay, to come back. In fact, I couldn't even say those words. Jinyoung told me you asked him to take care of me, but the one I needed... was you, confessed Youngjae in a shaking voice.

\- I didn't want to leave you forever. I just wanted to give you a little bit of time to build yourself again, and I think I hoped to see your smile in the arms of someone who would love you as much as I do, since I can only bring tears to you. And... I guess I never found the courage to come back."

Youngjae closed his eyes and sighed. He was experiencing so many emotions at the same time, and he couldn't think straight.

"- I know you won't forgive me but-, started Jaebum, interrupted by Youngjae.

\- I loved you."

Jaebum's heart broke at the past tense.

"- I mean... I still do. And I'm not mad at you. I just wanted explanations. I thought something was wrong with me. And maybe it was my fault. I never asked you to come back."

Youngjae broke down, and Jaebum took him in his arms shyly.

"- You're perfect Youngjae. I was wrong."

Jaebum took the younger one's face in his palms, and leaned slowly towards him, waiting for any sign of protest from Youngjae. His lips finally met his, and he closed his eyes, feeling Youngjae responding to his kiss.

"- I love you. I'm sorry for what I did, he murmured.

\- Can you promise you'll never leave me anymore ? Youngjae asked with eyes full of hope.

\- I promise. I missed you too much."

Youngjae smiled, kissing Jaebum again.

They were together, and that, was what mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time to close this story forever. I loved this adventure, I discovered a lot of things about me, my writing, what I'm capable of. I may not be that proud of this, I still like it, and I'll never forget this amazing trip I had with all of you.  
> Thank you, thank you guys so much for your support ♥
> 
> *wipes tears*


End file.
